TO DAUGHTERS

There are some things daughters need to know before they ever seriously consider giving their heart to a man. There are good men in this world. There are godly men. There are men who will protect, honor, encourage, pray for, and love a woman without trying to control her. There are men who understand leadership without needing domination, strength without arrogance, and love without possession. Those men exist, and I believe daughters should be taught to expect that kind of character rather than being conditioned to accept something less. But daughters also need wisdom. They need to know that being liked is not the same as being safe. Being chosen is not the same as being valued. Attention is not always affection, and affection is not always love. If Something Feels Wrong, Leave One of the first things a daughter needs to understand is this: if a man gives you a bad feeling, leave. You do not have to stay because he bought you dinner. You do not have to stay because he drove a long way, knows your friends, your family likes him, or somebody you trust introduced you to him. You do not have to stay because leaving may embarrass him, and you certainly do not have to remain in an uncomfortable situation because you are afraid someone will think you are rude. Proverbs 22:3 says, “A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished.” There is a difference between accusing someone of wrongdoing and deciding that you do not feel safe around them. You do not need courtroom evidence before you are allowed to walk away from a situation. Maybe you misunderstood something. Maybe everything was harmless. Maybe there was no danger at all. That is still better than ignoring every warning sign because you were taught that politeness matters more than wisdom. Men recover from a woman being rude to them. It is better to raise a daughter who occasionally appears rude than to bury one who stayed polite when she should have left. Become Something Daughters also need to be taught to become something. Be ambitious. Not in the worldly sense of proving your worth through a title, a paycheck, or applause, but ambitious about becoming everything God has given you the ability to become. Learn. Read. Study Scripture. Develop skills. Learn how to work, how to handle money, how to make decisions, how to communicate, and how to solve problems. If God has placed an ability in you, develop it. If He opens a door, do not apologize for walking through it. The Proverbs 31 woman was not presented as helpless. She was strong, wise, productive, capable, and industrious. Proverbs 31:17 says, “She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.” A godly woman is not required to be weak so that a man can feel strong. If a man tells you that you are intimidating, do not immediately assume there is something wrong with you. Sometimes what a man calls intimidating is a woman who cannot be impressed by words alone. Sometimes he hoped to impress her without having to do anything impressive. Never Make Yourself Smaller That does not mean a woman should become arrogant, belittle men, compete with them, or carry herself as though she has something to prove. Humility still matters. But humility is not pretending to be less capable than you are. Romans 12:3 teaches us not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought, but to think soberly. That means truthfully. Never make yourself smaller to protect somebody else’s ego. There will be things a husband can do better than his wife, and there may be things a wife can do better than her husband. In a healthy marriage, neither person has to be threatened by that. If your success makes a man feel like less of a man, do not immediately begin cutting pieces off yourself to make him feel whole. A strong man does not need a weak woman in order to feel strong. Jealousy Is Not Devotion Daughters also need to learn the difference between jealousy and devotion. Jealousy is not always proof of love. Possessiveness is not protection. Control is not leadership. A man does not love you more because he trusts you less. There should be faithfulness in a relationship. There should be honesty, boundaries, and accountability. A man and woman who are serious about one another should care deeply about protecting trust, but healthy boundaries are mutual. Control is something altogether different. Pay attention when a man constantly needs to know where you are. Pay attention when he begins deciding who you may speak to. Pay attention when he accuses you without cause, when every disagreement somehow becomes your fault, or when he tries to separate you from your family, your church, your friends, or the people who have loved you long before he came along. Control often learns how to dress itself up and call itself concern. First Corinthians 13 says that love is patient and kind. Love does not envy. Love does not seek its own way. Love is not easily provoked. Learn the difference between a man wanting to love you and a man wanting to possess you. Watch What Happens When You Succeed Another thing daughters need to watch carefully is how a man responds when something good happens to them. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with them that do rejoice.” Watch him when you succeed. Watch him when someone compliments you, when you accomplish something, when you receive an opportunity, or when somebody recognizes your ability. Can he celebrate you? Can he be proud of you without competing with you? Can your victory remain your victory without somehow becoming his defeat? Never entertain a man who cannot celebrate your success. If a man needs a woman beneath him in order to feel above somebody, he does not understand biblical manhood. If he wanted a woman below him, he should have bought a bunk bed. The line may be humorous, but the point is serious. Biblical leadership is not a man finding somebody smaller than himself so he can finally feel large. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” That is the model. Biblical leadership serves. It sacrifices. It protects. It carries responsibility. It does not humiliate the person being led. A godly man should not have to continually remind everyone around him that he is the man. His character, responsibility, sacrifice, and faithfulness should make that evident. Ask Better Questions A daughter should not spend her life asking one question: “Does he like me?” There are much better questions. Does he love God? Does he tell the truth? Does he keep his word? Does he work? Does he honor his parents? How does he speak about his mother? How does he treat people who cannot do anything for him? Can he control his temper? Can he receive correction? Can he admit when he is wrong? Does he respect boundaries and convictions? Does being around him make it easier or harder for you to live for God? And pay very close attention to how he responds to the word no. You can learn an enormous amount about somebody when they do not get what they want. Proverbs 20:11 says, “Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.” Do not just listen to what a man says about himself. Watch him. Look at the fruit. Do not fall in love with potential and then spend years explaining away patterns. Become What You Are Looking For But daughters also need to hear the other side of this. Do not build a list of everything a man should become while refusing to let God work on you. Become what you are looking for. If you want an honest man, become an honest woman. If you want a faithful man, become a faithful woman. If you want somebody who can receive correction, learn how to receive correction. If you want somebody hardworking, learn to work. If you want someone who celebrates your victories, learn how to celebrate his. If you want someone emotionally mature, do not excuse emotional immaturity in yourself. Most importantly, if you want a man who loves God more than he loves you, become a woman who loves God more than she loves him. The Goal Is Jesus The goal of a daughter’s life is not to be chosen by a man. The goal is Jesus. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Walk with God. Learn His Word. Develop wisdom. Serve. Work. Grow. Become dependable. Become disciplined. Become kind. Become strong. Become discerning. Build a life that has purpose before a man ever enters the picture. Then, if God brings a man into your life, do not ask how much of yourself you need to cut away in order to fit into his world. Ask whether the two of you can walk toward God together. Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Marriage can be one of the greatest blessings God gives. A godly husband is a tremendous gift. But being wanted by a man has never been the measure of a woman’s worth. A daughter needs to know that before she starts dating. Her devotion to Jesus is not competition. Her strength is not a threat. Her boundaries are not disrespect. Her intelligence is not rebellion. Her accomplishments do not diminish a godly man, and her God-given abilities are not something she should have to suppress in order to keep somebody comfortable. The right man will not require her to become less so he can feel like more. So daughters, become wise. Become strong without becoming hard. Become confident without becoming arrogant. Become discerning without becoming cynical. Guard your heart. Pay attention to character. Listen when wisdom tells you that something is not right. Love God enough that you are willing to walk away from anything that continually pulls you away from Him. And never become so desperate to be chosen that you forget you have a choice too.