MAKING A LARGE CHURCH FEEL SMALL

I go to a rather large church, and one of the things I have had to come to terms with is that I do not always remember everybody’s name. I wish I could say this only happens with first-time guests or people I have met once, but that would not be true. I have forgotten the names of people I have gone to church with for years. I can recognize their face, remember where they usually sit, remember their family, and sometimes even remember conversations we have had, but their name will completely escape me. For a long time, that embarrassed me. I would see somebody and immediately think, I know I should know their name. Then I would hesitate to approach them because I did not want to admit that I had forgotten it. Eventually I realized how backwards that was. My embarrassment over forgetting somebody’s name was actually becoming a barrier between me and that person. So I made up my mind to quit protecting myself from the awkwardness. I HAD TO GET OVER THE EMBARRASSMENT Now, if I cannot remember somebody’s name, I will just tell them. I may say, “Hey, look, I know I’m supposed to know your name, but I do not. Would you please tell me again? I would like to get to know you.” It is still uncomfortable sometimes. There are people I have asked more than once. But I would rather be embarrassed for a few seconds than spend years nodding, smiling, and saying, “Good to see you,” because I am too insecure to ask their name again. At some point, ministry requires us to care more about the person standing in front of us than we care about how we look in front of them. That has probably been one of the most important changes for me. I stopped treating forgetting a name like some terrible social failure and started treating it like something I could fix by simply asking again. WHY NAMES ARE HARD TO REMEMBER There is actually some psychology behind why this happens. Proper names are often harder for the brain to retrieve than other information about a person. You may remember where someone works, who their spouse is, where you met them, or even something personal they told you, while still struggling to recall their name. Part of the reason is that names are fairly arbitrary. If someone tells me he is a carpenter, the word carpenter immediately connects to something meaningful. I can picture tools, lumber, houses, and construction. But if the same man tells me his name is Kevin, there may be nothing about the word Kevin that naturally connects itself to his face. We recognize the person, but the name itself may not have been strongly connected in our memory. That helps explain why forgetting names is so common. But I do not think it gives us permission to be passive about people. There is a difference between forgetting a name and failing to make an effort to know somebody. I CHANGED THE QUESTION This has changed the way I approach people at church, especially guests and newer families. In a larger church, it can be difficult to keep track of who is new. Somebody may have been coming for two weeks. Somebody else may have been coming for six months. Another person may have visited several times before and I simply never met them. Then there are people who have been around for a long time whom, for whatever reason, I have never really gotten to know. I finally quit trying to sort everybody into categories. Instead of asking, “How long have they been coming?” I started asking, “Do I know their name?” If the answer is no, that is who I am looking for. That has become one of the easiest ways for me to know who I need to approach. I do not have to know whether they are officially a guest. I do not have to know whether somebody else already greeted them. I do not have to know their attendance history. If I cannot call them by name, I need to introduce myself or introduce myself again. That one question has taken a lot of the guesswork out of guest relations for me. A NAME MAKES PEOPLE FEEL SEEN There is something powerful about being known by name. There is a difference between somebody saying, “Good to see you,” and somebody saying your name while they greet you. A name communicates recognition. It tells someone, “I remember you. I noticed you. You are not just another person sitting in this room.” That matters in church because we rarely know what someone was carrying when they walked through the doors. Some people are nervous. Some have been hurt by churches. Some do not know where to sit or what is going to happen during service. Some may be searching for God while trying their best not to look like they are searching for anything at all. A person can sit through an entire service surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel completely invisible. That is why hospitality has to be more than having someone stationed at the front door. Hospitality is making people feel like they matter after they have walked through the door. Sometimes that starts with something as ordinary as remembering their name. FOR ME, THIS CONNECTS DIRECTLY TO BIBLE STUDIES This matters to me for another reason. I teach Bible studies. When I see somebody who is new to church, I am not only thinking about whether they felt welcomed during the service. I am thinking about discipleship. I wonder about their story. I wonder where they are spiritually. I wonder whether anyone has ever sat down with them and opened the Bible. I wonder whether they would be interested in studying the Word of God. But those conversations usually do not begin with, “Would you like to take a Bible study?” They usually begin much more naturally. “What’s your name?” “How did you hear about the church?” “Where are you from?” “Do you have family here?” Those little conversations create familiarity. Familiarity builds relationship. Relationship creates trust. Then, when the opportunity comes to invite somebody to a Bible study, you are not approaching a stranger. You are talking to somebody you have already made an effort to know. For me, learning names has become part of discipleship because discipleship is personal. People are not attendance numbers. They are not prospects. They are souls. Before I ever ask someone to sit across a table from me and study the Bible, I want them to know that I cared enough to learn who they are. MINISTRY REQUIRES US TO MOVE BEYOND COMFORT There is another benefit to this. It forces me out of my comfort zone. It would always be easier for me to talk to the people I already know. After church, I could find the same friends, stand around, laugh, talk, and then go home. There is nothing wrong with enjoying relationships with people you already know, but if I am not intentional, I can spend every service surrounded by people who are already connected while somebody else is standing across the room wondering whether anyone noticed them. Serving God requires us to get past ourselves. Sometimes the biggest obstacle to ministry is not a lack of opportunity. It is our own discomfort. We do not want to introduce ourselves. We do not want to risk awkwardness. We do not want somebody to say, “We have already met.” But there are times when love requires us to be willing to feel uncomfortable. Ministry does not always happen from a pulpit. Sometimes it happens when you notice somebody standing alone and decide to walk over there. HOSPITALITY HAS TO BECOME A CULTURE I believe churches should have good guest-relations systems. We should have greeters. We should help people know where to go. We should make it easy for first-time guests to navigate a building and understand what is happening. But hospitality cannot stop with a system. It has to become part of the culture of the church. A church can have a perfect guest-services program and still have people leave feeling unseen. The real difference comes when the people in the congregation decide that hospitality is everybody’s responsibility. We notice people. We move toward people. We introduce ourselves. We remember what they told us. We look for them when they come back. When that becomes normal, a large church can still feel personal. IF I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME, YOU'RE WHO I'M LOOKING FOR So this has become one of my personal rules. If I do not know your name, you are who I am looking for. You may be a first-time guest. You may have been coming for several months. You may have been there longer than I realize. That does not really matter. If I do not know you, I want to change that. I may forget your name the next week. If I do, I will ask you again. I have decided I would rather risk a little embarrassment than allow my own insecurity to keep me from knowing somebody God has placed within my reach. There are people walking through our churches every week who need more than a handshake at the front door. They need connection. They need relationship. They need people who will notice them, remember them, and eventually walk with them. And sometimes the beginning of all of that is incredibly simple. Find somebody whose name you do not know. Go meet them.